today is an odd day. no particular reason really, just odd. well, I
guess there’s always a reason for everything but I guess I’m just
finding it hard to put my finger on it.
life seems to be throwing many things at me, all at once. some by
choice I suppose and some definitely not.
my life is interesting that’s for sure. it certainly doesn’t lack
in the curve ball department and it's always good for my friends to
compare with so it makes them feel better.
i have wanted to keep this blog upbeat and maybe that’s why
there hasn’t been too many entries of a late because I haven’t
either felt upbeat or done anything upbeat in quite some time.
i’m muddling through, which is completely necessary; and trying to
remain positive, which is getting increasingly difficult. i know that i
have the positive thoughts and prayers of my friends and that is a
comfort. i resort to sarcasm and frivolity in order to cope sometimes
so i can be a person that can be somewhat hard to read as far as what is
truly going on with me. i kind of like it that way. but then at the
end of the day, in the peace and quiet of the night, is when reality
tends to hit me, much harder that i expect or want. it’s during those
hours that i feel the most vulnerable. i’ve also been keeping many
things to myself due to the fact that i’m tired of the negativity. i
don’t want any pity. i only want the power to change things.
unfortunately, it’s not an attainable power and i have to ride it out
until it happens on its own terms.
my future is somewhat unpredictable. everything stems back to one
crucial thing and that is the sale of the house. the amount of money i
will be losing and what i will have left in order to buy again, remains
to be seen. will i get another mortgage? don’t know. will i have to
rent? don’t know. seems my price range is in condos but once you
place those monthly condo fees on top of the mortgage, would it be more
prudent to only look for a cheaper house? so many questions, so many
decisions and i’m in limbo - not being able to make any - just ponder
and think about all the “what if” scenarios. which, on a good day
can tend to drive me crazy - today is not one of those good days.
on top of the living arrangements i have been blessed with a very
independent and stubborn child that tests me daily. self-centred,
irresponsible, selfish and mouthy are all traits she is exhibiting these
days. her grades at school are poor as well and i have to see about
getting a tutor for her for Math, and i am not sure what other subjects
i should consider - will be contacting the school this week in that
regard. i know i don’t handle things properly most of the time. But
i feel so out of control and at such a loss as to what will work with
her that I just wing it the majority of the time - what ever comes out
of my mouth (or hers) at the time, well that’s what i work with. dr.
phil would have a hayday with me. i keep hearing the “well how’s
that workin’ for ya?” statement over and over in my head. “it’s
not you dumb ass, that’s why i keep trying different ones and have yet
to find the right one - if it’s even out there”. thank the sweet
Lord i do have one sensitive and nuturing child that actually cares
about how things affect me and wants me to be happy. family
counselling is on the horizon.
i’m starting a second job and that is a home business selling a
clothing line. if you would like to take a look at the website, it is
Jockey Person to Person they really do have great stuff and if you are
interested in having a party, there are great hostess incentives. you
can also do a book party and i’m pretty sure i could do a book party
for my american friends as well. i believe if you go on to the website
there should be a button to click on, on the bottom right, to take you
to the US site. the catalogues are both the same, you’d just get your
prices in american dollars instead of canadian.
also dropping off a resume at a woman’s clothing store in our mall
for maybe 4 to 8 hrs of work a week. so yes, I will have one full time
and two part time jobs. it’s come to that. it’s what I need to do
in order to survive this. hopefully get some money in the bank as well.
wish me luck!
thanks my friends for stopping by. wish I had a bright and flowery
entry for you to read but alas, this is my life at present and I must
live it with the best possible attitude I can muster. i am by no means,
down and out - I still have plenty of fight left in me.
peace out and more than ready for some good karma
